Living in a state of anxiety all the time is not a good life. But ironically, most people extend the time they are anxious by trying not to feel it. The truth is that avoiding anxiety doesn’t solve it. So the first step is critical to truly overcoming anxiety – you have to let yourself feel it.
Sue Was Behind In Her Studies But Avoided Taking Action: Sue was a college freshman. She was behind in her classes but just didn’t want to look at it. The more she avoided doing her classwork, the more anxious she became.
The more anxious she was, the less functional her behavior, like over-eating and spending hours watching videos. Sue was on the verge of flunking out when she finally decided to face her anxiety.
Once we started looking at her anxiety, her relief was palpable. Letting herself feel her anxiety shifted it from overwhelming to manageable. She met with her professors and developed a plan to complete her courses. She didn’t get an “A” that semester but she was able to pass and feel calmer.
Negative feelings are like a dark tunnel. If you stand at the edge of the tunnel, you’ll never get through to the other side. Many of my clients live their lives at the edge of the tunnel – knowing they are unhappy but being afraid of what they will find or feel if they go in. But on the other side of the dark tunnel is light, freedom and possibilities! If you really want to reduce your anxiety it’s worth the discomfort.
Pam Was Filled With Anxiety About Her Husband’s Illness: Pam’s husband was quite ill. Pam was filled with so much anxiety she was at risk for getting ill herself. When we first met, Pam told me a long story about her husband – never actually feeling any of her feelings.
As we talked further and I helped her feel safe, we peeled back the layers and Pam got in touch with her sadness and anger that he was so dependent. Pam found some deep resentment that her husband hadn’t taken better care of himself.
As she named her real feelings, Pam’s anxiety greatly reduced and her health improved. Feeling her feelings was the first step to freedom. Once Pam really felt her feelings (anger and sadness) , she was able to have a much deeper conversation with her husband and work with him to find creative solutions to their situation.
Not feeling our feelings is actually a common state for most people and when anxiety shows up, the resistance is even stronger! They’d rather do ANYTHING than feel their feelings! There are all kinds of things people do to not feel their feelings. Here is a list of just a few:
- Playing video games
- Watching TV
- Drinking alcohol, smoking, eating (when not hungry)
- Exercise (yes it’s good for you but can still be a distraction)
- Over working
- Reading emails or meaningless stories on your phone
- Excessive sleeping.
Many people don’t want to feel negative feelings – they might even be angry that they exist. But we live in a world of contrast – we can only see light because there is also darkness. So when we stubbornly resist feeling our negative feelings, we also give up a lot of the positive feelings like joy and peace.
When we don’t name our feelings, we limit our ability to solve problems.
If you could have more joy, passion, love in your life, would it be worth it to feel the anxiety or pain?
Feeling your feelings may sound simple, but very few people do it. As a transformational coach, I have helped hundreds of people get in touch with their hidden feelings. Some people can do it on their own, but for many it helps to have support.
Feelings are usually in layers. Underneath your anxiety may be sadness, anger, frustration, etc. So to really feel your feelings, you get to stick with them long enough to go below the surface.
Identify some of your feelings
What’s the cause of that feeling?
What’s below that?
NOTE: If you are finding this step to be worthwhile but challenging, keep going or feel free to reach out for support. If you are deeply depressed or suicidal seek immediate medical help.
